A day in this new place. Strange, yet familiar. A reunion of sorts with friends I have only met one month ago and spent 8 days and 8 nights going around provinces in a foreign land. I miss the group. That is why I came. Part of the reason to be honest. To see people who gave you the greatest gift and might not see again for a very long long time. It's been more than 24 hours. 2 masses this Sunday. Lunch. Talks. Different people. Different souls. There are those who you meet for the first time but completely understand after sitting for lunch with. And there are those you spend half the day with and yet, confuse you more than they already did. No expectations. Open mind, open heart, that's what I keep reminding myself. Then I finally decided I needed my coffee. HAHAHAH I didnt get my coffee last night. Forced myself to sleep by 3am.I need nang Cynch. HAHAHAHA maybe she needs to make a handbook I could take anywhere I go..."Friendship miracles 101". Chapter one: How to exorcise gossipy souls... --that should help me well.
I need professional training for this. Hahaha. Devoted more than an hour talking a friend last night, hoping to understand. Why? I never understood. I also never actually bothered to understand what was being said and WHY?.... Last night, I think, and hope that I started to understand. Insecurities and loneliness rolled into one big mass of hostility towards others. NOw comes another "why"? Sad, disappointing. Wish it would just be very easy to make it all disappear with the wave of my magic wand. So much hostility. I do not dream of saying that I understand fully. I came with no expectations. So great to be with friends and see their genuine smiles. Beautiful stories and memories we shared for 8 days and 8 nights. But why the hostility amidst all this? Is this why I came here? I never really asked to be able to understand. It never bothered me at all. Like I said to Niel, I never let things like those move me. I have no time to feel hate. So I find myself in this is coffee shop. Taking a picture of my cup. Reflections. Not the serious type. But I can see my reflection on the cake display shelf and that reflection is fat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
The last thing they need is a complete stranger meddling in their business. I give it all up to the Boss above. But didnt He say I will help those who help themselves? I honestly dont want to be the instrument. Can I just refuse? HAHAHAHA
The tiring tug-of-war. Of course there is no question as to which group I like more. Of course I would pick the friendly and sincere ones. But that's just it. I dont want taking up sides. I just want everyone to get along. Which of course is idealistic and unrealistic in today's nature. And I dont like deep and serious talks. So enough of this thinking and on with my coffee. It's been almost 2 hours Ive been sitting here alone. The choice was clear. Go back to the house, be with the enemy and try to understand. Why was I even bothering? When did I become too concerned with people who disappoint me? Didnt I just use to walk away? Easier to walk away actually. But probably not when you sleep and eat in their house. I guess I did come with expectations.. Werent we supposed to be done with this kind of stuff back when we were teen agers? Geeeezzzz!
I need professional training for this. Hahaha. Devoted more than an hour talking a friend last night, hoping to understand. Why? I never understood. I also never actually bothered to understand what was being said and WHY?.... Last night, I think, and hope that I started to understand. Insecurities and loneliness rolled into one big mass of hostility towards others. NOw comes another "why"? Sad, disappointing. Wish it would just be very easy to make it all disappear with the wave of my magic wand. So much hostility. I do not dream of saying that I understand fully. I came with no expectations. So great to be with friends and see their genuine smiles. Beautiful stories and memories we shared for 8 days and 8 nights. But why the hostility amidst all this? Is this why I came here? I never really asked to be able to understand. It never bothered me at all. Like I said to Niel, I never let things like those move me. I have no time to feel hate. So I find myself in this is coffee shop. Taking a picture of my cup. Reflections. Not the serious type. But I can see my reflection on the cake display shelf and that reflection is fat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
The last thing they need is a complete stranger meddling in their business. I give it all up to the Boss above. But didnt He say I will help those who help themselves? I honestly dont want to be the instrument. Can I just refuse? HAHAHAHA
The tiring tug-of-war. Of course there is no question as to which group I like more. Of course I would pick the friendly and sincere ones. But that's just it. I dont want taking up sides. I just want everyone to get along. Which of course is idealistic and unrealistic in today's nature. And I dont like deep and serious talks. So enough of this thinking and on with my coffee. It's been almost 2 hours Ive been sitting here alone. The choice was clear. Go back to the house, be with the enemy and try to understand. Why was I even bothering? When did I become too concerned with people who disappoint me? Didnt I just use to walk away? Easier to walk away actually. But probably not when you sleep and eat in their house. I guess I did come with expectations.. Werent we supposed to be done with this kind of stuff back when we were teen agers? Geeeezzzz!
Still resisting. Didnt they learn anything during the TRIP? Was putting other people down really necessary? So forgive and forget. In my heart there was nothing to forgive in the first place. But TODAY bothers me. Telling me frankly how they feel towards my other friends was an unexpected jolt of electricity that went thru my mind. Exactly the reason why I keep my distance from certain organizations. And now I am thrown into the lion's den. I find it futile to keep defending the Innocent people because I know the work should be done first with the ones who are attacking. Both sides are my friends.. Makes me question why the insistence that I live with them. I never ever believed in questioning kindness. Even the disguised type of kindness... Tiring tug-of-war. Hehehehe...
What a shame. They missed the whole point. Missing the infinite potential. Arg! It's just a shame. Each day of a hurtful word is a day robbed of the chance. Please Boss. can I not be the instrument? HAHAHAHAHA that would be much of a drama Lord.
*8 o'clock Saturday evening I found myself walking alone the streets with restaurants and the coffee shop where I was earlier that afternoon. The big yellow pizza sign made me hungry. I could already taste the hot sauce. There was definitely something wrong here. Why did I have to care what other people say about other people? Wouldnt this be called tsismosa? Paki-alamera? Like I said, can you please give the assignment to do good in this world to another person Boss? HAHAHAHAHAHA when I leave this town there wouldnt be any difference at all. Both sides still wouldnt know what the other thinks... life goes on for all of them...it's just a great shame the friendship had to be that way. Pray is all I could do I guess. Me and my meddling soul. Arrrrgggh! Typical me, always trying to do good, always being caught in the middle. Dont people get killed for this? HAHAHAHAH. Ahhh...the denial of the existing truth...almost always easier. Hehehe. But not necessarily better.
Airport. Not so many people around. I had been standing near this window for the longest time watching the people board this plane. And I think...hmmm, this airline has cheaper rate actually. HAHAHAHA. I am going home. I think of my friends I leave behind. The circus I leave behind. Hehehe. I think of my friends' faces and laughter. I go home knowing and understanding and craving to do more but holding back. Maybe there are just some things better left untouched. And maybe not.
It was a good day. 6am mass. Get together with friends. Im glad she came. Bless her heart. I knew she had a good soul. After saying yesterday that she couldnt because of some outrageous reason. I never want to be caught in the middle of anything. It is sad. But today I am happy. Sharing the first part of my day with good friends. Wish I could have talked more and longer with Nanay though. So much more to tell her and assure her she will never be alone. Such good and loving soul. She cannot help what she does. Politics is not limited in the Senate. It's everywhere, in everything and in everyone. And most of the time, it usually gets ugly.
For awhile I stopped, just sat there with my empty breakfast plate in front of me and looked around at everyone in the table. What wonderful hearts these friends have. Genuine love. No matter how far I would be from them.Wonderful to be living in the moment.
Next stop LAOS? HAHAHAHA
What a shame. They missed the whole point. Missing the infinite potential. Arg! It's just a shame. Each day of a hurtful word is a day robbed of the chance. Please Boss. can I not be the instrument? HAHAHAHAHA that would be much of a drama Lord.
*8 o'clock Saturday evening I found myself walking alone the streets with restaurants and the coffee shop where I was earlier that afternoon. The big yellow pizza sign made me hungry. I could already taste the hot sauce. There was definitely something wrong here. Why did I have to care what other people say about other people? Wouldnt this be called tsismosa? Paki-alamera? Like I said, can you please give the assignment to do good in this world to another person Boss? HAHAHAHAHAHA when I leave this town there wouldnt be any difference at all. Both sides still wouldnt know what the other thinks... life goes on for all of them...it's just a great shame the friendship had to be that way. Pray is all I could do I guess. Me and my meddling soul. Arrrrgggh! Typical me, always trying to do good, always being caught in the middle. Dont people get killed for this? HAHAHAHAH. Ahhh...the denial of the existing truth...almost always easier. Hehehe. But not necessarily better.
Airport. Not so many people around. I had been standing near this window for the longest time watching the people board this plane. And I think...hmmm, this airline has cheaper rate actually. HAHAHAHA. I am going home. I think of my friends I leave behind. The circus I leave behind. Hehehe. I think of my friends' faces and laughter. I go home knowing and understanding and craving to do more but holding back. Maybe there are just some things better left untouched. And maybe not.It was a good day. 6am mass. Get together with friends. Im glad she came. Bless her heart. I knew she had a good soul. After saying yesterday that she couldnt because of some outrageous reason. I never want to be caught in the middle of anything. It is sad. But today I am happy. Sharing the first part of my day with good friends. Wish I could have talked more and longer with Nanay though. So much more to tell her and assure her she will never be alone. Such good and loving soul. She cannot help what she does. Politics is not limited in the Senate. It's everywhere, in everything and in everyone. And most of the time, it usually gets ugly.
For awhile I stopped, just sat there with my empty breakfast plate in front of me and looked around at everyone in the table. What wonderful hearts these friends have. Genuine love. No matter how far I would be from them.Wonderful to be living in the moment.
Next stop LAOS? HAHAHAHA
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